work

i find myself annoyed when people think that they're already working hard enough, dog-tired and all. They do not even know life out there.

Maraming tao, isang kahig, isang tuka lamang. They are not secured as you are. With respect, please don't accuse me that i do not understand the bulk of what you've experienced. because i guess you also know nothing about the world.

death.

i've realized a lot since macco's death.. how life goes, that death is really for real. before i thought it's just something i see on tv.. all those killings, accidents.. i used to convince myself that it will never happen to me. but then it's just there. it's just there and I can't run from it.

but other than the fear i felt, i've learned that what matters more is the process of living. during macco's wake, i saw no death at all. There was emespor, there were the relatives of Macco, his friends from Baguio. it was a moving moment for me. It was tormenting for us of course especially that what Macco has gone through since he learned of his illness is really painful; the emotional aspect of it, the physical, and all that. But what made me more teary-eyed is the love i felt from all the people there. All my other classmates were not that close to macco but i saw how hurt they were. It wasn't a mocking moment unlike the usual days I've had with emespor. The sincerity was there. They truly loved Macco.

For the first time i didn't fear death. i felt i was ready because i have all the people i love and i believe they love me to. indeed i realized that more than the time to mourn, it was a time to celebrate.. the friendship we've shared, the wonderful memories that held us tighter as years pass. Now i feel blessed to have emespor. And though we don't have macco physically, i'm happy that we've grown stronger. Macco's death has indeed paved the way for such meaningful insights. and now I say i'm ready to die.

things i could not live without?

Asked by my teacher to choose 4 things which I could not live without, I initially felt that I am obliged to suit the things I would select to the totality of my personality. Due to lack of time however, I realized that it would be better if I would just scribble down the first things which come out from my mind and contentedly, I was able to note down those materials which concern my life as a college student.

The first thing I wrote was “money” and I suppose anyone would have also jotted this down because of practical concerns. Yet, beyond such practicality purposes, my preference for money also has something to do with what I am experiencing now as a tenant who lives far from my family and is rather put off from instant-access to resources.

When I wrote down “money” on my paper, I meant my “own” money and not that which I easily get from my parents. It so happened that at a particular instance, I accidentally left my ATM card in our province, and for one whole week that I have to stay in Quezon City to attend my classes, I was forced to fit in the P1000-worth of money remaining in my pocket. Of course, this was a tough task especially that I have to provide my own food and pay the bills concerning my room-rental. Still, more than that, this need to generate my own money also implied my desire to build up some pride in me; that for once I should forget bothering my friends or parents in sending me money and opt facing the consequences of my mistake. At this point, money spelled pride for me. Indeed, money is one of the things which I could not live without since it is reasonably a prerequisite in order for me to label myself as self-sufficient or independent in a way.

As conventional as I would appear, I also picked “internet and cell phone” as my second choice. These things are the primary means of communication for me since I am far from my family and high-school friends. Whenever I have problems regarding academics, having these things means I am still allowed to disclose myself to people who are apart from me.

As for my third choice, I wrote down “toiletries”. A lot of people might have an initial impression that I am “kikay” and that I like to make “pa-cute” all the time. Ask people who knew me for years and they would probably find this idea really ridiculous. Unfortunately, I really do not indulge much on such beauty products unlike most of the girls at my age. Toiletries for me merely referred to the basic items needed for bathing. For the simplest reason, I just felt the need that we all have to wash out after a long day of work. Certainly, a good bathing takes away our grogginess and revives our composure which is really necessary for another day of work.

Lastly, my need for books and other readings is also related to my second choice. Books are chief sources of information. Why have I not chosen televisions or radios instead? Probably, it is because I have already tested myself for that case. For almost a year that we have not acquired a TV in our room, I actually survived. Even now that we already have our television, leaving it off is really not a problem for me. Aside from the internet, such printed materials on the other hand, are the things which I could turn to so I could at least update myself to recent events.

I also felt that fictional books are necessary although I must admit that I do not read all the time as suppose to those we identify as bookworms. Yet, the idea that there is fiction at the end of those information-loaded readings required by my teachers tends to strain my stresses out. As college life rather connotes being burdened with too much pressure, it is in these times that we need to loosen up once in a while and enjoy what fictional books give us.

happy new year

But then again, life would always be characterized by limitations and flaws and not always will things go the way we wanted them to be…

And these are some things which I catch on in the process....

…that the bigger your barkada is, the more is the chance that you would feel isolated.

… that in a barkada, you would soon learn to distinguish who, among those people in your group, has a bigger part in your heart.

…that later on, you would begin to put much weight on the degree of your attachment to certain people in that “barkada” and that you would eventually do favors only within those people whom you chose.

…that it would then be easy for you to neglect others after you do favors for those people whom you feel are close to your heart…

…that it feels good to have at least one who can do favors for you while he/she disregards others.

…that eventually, you realize the flaws in your barkada and you pity the way that kind of system goes.

…that you realize that the reason why you're bothered is that you are just one of those whom they neglect

Tragic..